Damn Aliens DVD Review
by (as told to) Steven Sawicki
SFRevu Column ISBN/ITEM#: 0504DADVD
Date: November 15, 2004 /
We?ve come to understand that the more often you say a thing the less likely you are to actually have any evidence to prove it. Not that you have ever let evidence stop you from committing yourself to actions. You are a planet full of people who seem to enjoy running willy nilly from one side to the other, knocking down anyone in your way and then taking insult when they complain about it. We?re not quite sure what?s behind all this motion except that your planet spins so slowly that perhaps you are just trying to make up for it being a laggard. Sort of like you?re always trying to make up for having only one moon by filling your near planet orbit with flying stuff. And speaking of flying stuff we watched with eagerness your xprize shooting off. You seemed to get really excited about this so we really hesitate to point out that it?s not really space flight until you stop coming back down. We know you are in a critical phase of your development where spaceflight is either something you will achieve or you will simply give up and erode into mindless self entertainment. And, speaking of the latter.
We happen to believe in the classic idea of structure, that things should have a beginning a middle and an end (except, of course, for universes which tend to flex and really have no beginning or end). Shrek 2, proves that you, as a species, do not agree with us. Evidently it is enough for you to have a few funny moments, some awkward pratfalls and a number of moments of poking fun at traditional figures to feel complete. All we can say is thank goodness you are not in the universe design business.
We believe that you are the most egocentric species we have ever run across. Even though there are billions of you, from numerously different cultures and backgrounds, you all believe that the world and the universe should revolve around your own kind, whatever you decide that really is. You tend to do this with your films as well, the Americans think Hollywood is the bomb, the Indians think that Bollywood is the bomb, the British think Hammer is the bomb and many of the remaining countries are looking for their own bombs. 2009:Lost Memories is an excellent example of cinema that reflects a different culture. It?s a what if scenario featuring the Japanese and the Koreans and, we think, is done pretty well. We tend to avoid Japan because of the Godzilla problem but we were happy to spend a few moments viewing this offering.
For those of you who like your movies incomprehensibly pretty if obliquely unintelligent, have we got a gem for you. We had a bridge but that nice fellow who so loved the Battlefield Earth movie bought it. The Chronicles of Riddick continues the chronicles of Riddick (that is if you considered the first movie Riddick was in a chronicle) on an entirely different planet. Riddick is needed because entire planets can not stop this evil force so he needs to come and fix things. Humans, humans, humans. This is not how the universe works. The universe is a place of pulsars, black holes, asteroids, wild comets, Spledge and vacuum. The universe will kill you before you even know you are alive. The DVD did have some pretty pictures which made about five minutes worth watching.
Have we mentioned how much we like your comic books. We do. We think the creatures you make up in them come close to being some of the best story telling you do. Now, if only we could make the pictures move. Spiderman 2 does come close to that. We liked this Doctor Octopus and are truly glad the comic guy did not have a squid in front of him or a centipede. We find it ironic that spiders are related to lobsters and lobsters live in the ocean and are often eaten by octopi. We find it even more ironic that the only wmds in the desert are the ones you brought with you, but that?s another story. Spidey, if we may call him Spidey, slings webs, swings on webs and generally gets stuck in a number of sticky situations. We won?t tell you how it ends although we will say it does not turn out all that well for the eight legged one.
In case you were wondering what Francis Ford Coppola did in his free time we have found evidence that the answer is either not much or nothing good, depending on where you stand. Battle Beyond the Sun/Star Pilot is the classic Russian sci fi flick taken over by Roger Corman and the aforementioned Coppola and fixed. This flick actually cam out in 1960 and why they are letting it loose now is anyone?s guess. We know the answer of course but then we?re not just anyone.
Sometimes even you appear to get tired of doing the same thing over and over and over again. Star Trek Voyager - The Complete Fifth Season is an indication of this we think. The episodes in this set are quite simply some of the worst ever done in the universe (we mean the real universe not the limited Star Trek one). What were you thinking? Perhaps Kirk actually did visit all the interesting places already and even the Alpha quadrant (whatever that means since space, the last time we were there which was pretty recent, has four dimensions and really does not break down into quadrants) has not enough things of interest to keep this dog hunting. All we can say is are we there yet?
It was an inevitability waiting to happen. Like a black hole used to keep flotsam from the edges of your solar system it was only a matter of time before it all went terribly wrong. Well, now you?ve done it. Angel Wars - Guardian Force is the perfect example. It is not enough that you use your religions to persecute each other, fight wars, justify injustices and opiate the people, but now you?ve turned it into a cartoon. Sorry, an anime. Actually we liked these, it?s been a long time since we?ve seen humans with wings. We liked the story and we enjoyed the action although the rhetoric escaped us at times.